Flexibility

Living plants are flexible, in death, they become dry and brittle. Therefore, stubborn people are disciples of death, but flexible people are disciples of life. - Lao Tzu

How flexible am I really? Could I just deviate from my daily life and not have a complete meltdown? I would like to think I'd embrace spontaneity of any out of the norm experience but in truth, I'd would have some issues.

First of all, if I don't do things, then things don't get done and then I have to put other things aside or take time to prioritize the important things so at least they all get done. Within days I find myself behind with all my things and get overwhelmed and sad.

What are these things that cannot be ignored even for one day? Well, there is family obligations, day job in mundane business world, allocating time to my fledgling creative career and household chores. This doesn't leave much time for a monkeywrench now does it?

Perhaps I'll try somthing crazy this week. Then perhaps I'll crawl into my cocoon and sleep through the tropical rains that are in the forecast for tomorrow.

Sophia

Such Tragedy

Today is not a day I should think about myself. My thoughts and well wishes are with those in the path of that horrid Katrina. Stay safe.

Sophia

Rehashing the Past

I'm finding my thoughts and words on this blog being more about the card pulls than the search for my true spirit. I plan to change that but in some ways it is all connected. I am what I believe, what I see, what I hear and how I feel. There are many aspects that make us human and numerous factors play into what kind of life we lead.

I faced many obstacles to get where I am. I'm not saying everyone else has it so easy and I had it so tough, blah, blah, blah but this is my blog and I'm here to write about me.

I grew up poor in a rural area where there was not much opportunity for anyone, not just me. I always had good grades but when I was in high school I never got voted into the National Honor Society. Petty as it sounds, I believe it is one of the turning points where I started to believe that no matter what I did, I would never be good enough. I had the grades but back then the teachers voted for the students whom they thought should be in the organization. They didn't stop to consider how great this looked on a college application, how financial aid and scholarship money was awarded based on academic merit or the tender confidence of the student.

Nope, I was deemed unworthy by the status quo. I've never stepped foot in that Hell of my Youth since I left there (and probably never will). I'd like to say I'm over it as quite a few years have passed, but I'm not.

College wasn't much better but by then I'd learned the value of discipline and hard work. I held a part-time (if one wants to call 30 hours a week for a high schooler a part-time job) during my junior and senior year of high school while carrying a course load of calculus, physics, advanced science (loved dissecting the shark and the cat though) and other Phase III classes which were the most difficult and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. These were the days when a 4.0 was the max.

I did have some financial aid during college but I still worked at least 20 hours per week and carried an 18 - 21 hour course load per semester. Looking back, I know I learned from that experience, but I'd never allow my own kids to endure such hardship for the sake of character.

The downfall of college was I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, so I chose a major and courses to advance me financially when I did graduate. Tragically those had nothing to do with my true talent and love.

I did graduate and luckily my hard work paid off as I've always been fortunate to find well-paying employment. Granted those types of jobs require 50+ hours per week and will suck the life right out of you.

Action Card for 8.25.2005: Swords Ten - Birth (metaphorically) rehabilitation or a positive blank moment in life; the previous life, obsession, plan or structure is completely over.

I found this card to be very accurate for yesterday. I am a tad bored with current projects and I'm anxious to begin something new. When it comes to these particular projects, I'm not good at multi-tasking. I worked on a smaller project that is the next step in the current project instead. It kept me satisfied but not taking on too much.

Action Card for 8.26.2005: Wands Ten - excessive pressures, problems soon to be resolved, striving to meet a goal or to maintain a certain level or position, possibly using power to selfish ends.

Uh oh, sounds like another day of being seen and not heard.

Energy Card for 8.25.2005: Page of Pentacles - deep concentration and application, reflection, desire for new ideas

Again, my desire to start my next project before my current one is completed was overwhelming but I didn't.

Energy Card for 8.26.2005: Pentacles Ten - riches, safety, family matters, ancestry, inheritance, home.

I like the riches piece but I suppose it is not necessarily financial.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

I still haven't found time to do YOGA yet but I did get in another forty-five minutes at the gym, despite the hateful woman who seemed to have the same regimen I did and fussed when she thought I took too long on the machines. Hey lady . . . F you! Sorry my true colors are showing here. I pay as much money as she does and if I happen to beat her to a machine, then she needs to go find something else until I'm finished. NOT when SHE thinks I should be finished. I cannot stand rude self-centered people and I refuse to endure their bullshit.

My cards yesterday were:

Action Card for 8.24.2005: Swords Six - success after anxiety, headstrong attempts to overcome difficulties; perhaps a trip or journey.

Energy Card for 8.24.2005: Page of Cups - a studious and intent person, reflective, meditative, a helpful person, a trustworthy worker.

I did manage some discipline and finished some tasks that needed to get done. Nothing of any big significance happened.

Action Card for 8.25.2005: Swords Ten - Birth (metaphorically) rehabilitation or a positive blank moment in life; the previous life, obsession, plan or structure is completely over.

I pulled this same card on 8.20.2005.

Energy Card for 8.25.2005: Page of Pentacles - deep concentration and application, reflection, desire for new ideas

I could certainly use some new ideas.

I love working with the cards, but find the daily card pull a bit much. Perhaps a bi-weekly pull would be better for me.

How do you like my picture? I call it my third eye.

Sophia

The Path Becomes Foggy

I must find another time to do Yoga. Right now, I plan to exercise before I get into the shower and I have the alarm set for 5:30 am. It ain't happening! I did go to the gym for forty-five minutes though. My diet has improved as I've been really careful about what I eat.

Yesterday was a day where I chose to listen more than I spoke. It really throws people off sometimes. I'm not a "yacker" by nature, but when you listen to what is being said without interruption or judgement, people look at you strange. I enjoyed my silence.

I read some more of the book, Tao, The Pathless Path by OSHO. I agree with the statements of organized religion and finding one's own path, but the parts about losing independence (the ego) and gaining interdepence concerns me a bit. I believe that everything is connected and working for the good of all is better than working for oneself. I suppose I need to understand and realize that losing the ego and knowledge does not mean that I lose myself. It means I'm opening myself up to experiencing truth. New concept = fear of the unknown, I suppose.

I guess my biggest fear of all of this is losing what I have - becoming too serious and brooding, forgetting how to laugh, and worse, forgetting who I am in preference to something else. This whole enlightenment concept, as I interpret the texts, would cause me to give up a part of me - the part I like. I suppose all the information I'm gathering and make the best decision for ME.

Once again, my two card pulls came to pass. Some tasks I plan to complete yesterday did not get done hence the interpretation of the Action card. My SO interrupted my afternoon and evening with his constant whining and bitching and therein lies the truth of the Energy Card.

Action Card for 8.23.2005: Cups Five– a card of loss, not corresponding to expectations.

Energy Card for 8.23.2005: Wands Two – trivial disappointment, on one hand riches, fortune, magnificence, but on the other hand there is physical suffering and sadness.

Today's cards are:

Action Card for 8.24.2005: Swords Six - success after anxiety, headstrong attempts to overcome difficulties; perhaps a trip or journey.

Energy Card for 8.24.2005: Page of Cups - a studious and intent person, reflective, meditative, a helpful person, a trustworthy worker.

We'll see.

Sophia

Soul Searching

I was very disciplined yesterday. A half-hour of yoga and forty minutes (forty-five if you count stretching) and I had nothing to eat that one would consider unhealthy and watched portions. I’m not surprised at this behavior as I normally start out very well. If I’m still as disciplined in two weeks, then I’ll consider it an accomplishment.

I also had a very enlightening meditation session yesterday. Around 10:30 pm last night I retreated to my space and in silence envisioned my body working as it should – from my toes to the tip of my head. My head is much clearer as a result.

It is funny how much mental and emotional clutter my daily life contains. Meditation brings all that is meaningful to the forefront and puts all the other junk where it belongs. I believe that is what my Action Card from 8.22 had in store for me.

Action Card for 8.22.2005: The Star - Healing; increasing vitality, physically as well as mentally, good prospects; spiritual love, cosmic energy; being open to all life-giving forces; energy put in affairs will soon pay off.

I’ve taken stock of my mental and emotional clutter and here’s what I found:

Animosity – bad! I must let go of it, even towards those who are closest to me. Sometimes I feel that others wish to take advantage and control my time (i.e. why haven’t you done this or I hope you’re planning to do . . . . , or why do you waste your time doing . . .) I resent these comments and in the future I WILL call them out and tell those who say them that I’m well aware of my responsibilities and I’ll get to it when I’m damn good and ready!

Guilt – I don’t believe it is much personal guilt but rather guilty for my situation – guilt because I have plenty and there are those who go without; guilt for not giving enough to those who need me and guilt because I give them too much; guilt because soldiers are dying in Iraq; guilt about civil war, torture, AIDS and famine in Africa; guilt over US politics and the fact that I voted for the hot-headed little man who is leader of the free world. I could go on . . . and on . . . and on with this one.

Vindictiveness – oooh this is a bad one! I don’t hold grudges (or at least I don’t believe I do) but I do tend to get even. With grudges I mean not speaking to someone, avoiding a person or writing them out of my life.

I’m not talking about the petty actions such as getting in the last word or stomping my feet until I get my way. I’m talking about cool, calculated and underhanded tactics which could take years to obtain satisfaction. The really sad part of this is that I’m a patient person and I’ll stay on track no matter how long it takes.

I need to take a deep breath and let it all go, but my lungs aren’t that big. Small steps are in order – small steps that last forever.

Action Card for 8.23.2005: Cups Five– a card of loss, not corresponding to expectations.

I’m not sure how the Energy Card for 8.22 played a role, but since both cards have similar meanings (in my opinion) as they both deal with the spiritual.

Energy Card for 8.22.2005: Wands Seven - spiritual, inner batter, the individual is alone and opposed to the group; fighting for oneself; a proper retreat; holding ones own courage

Energy Card for 8.23.2005: Wands Two – trivial disappointment, on one had riches, fortune, magnificence but on the other hand there is physical suffering and sadness.

Based on the cards I pulled today, I think I’ll just been seen as little as possible and be heard not at all.

Being Careful What You Wish For

To many, I have the perfect life - big house in the suburbs, healthy children and a loving spouse. I have a lot of free time (more than most) which I probably don't use as wisely as I should.

I grew up in a rural town, bored and looking for a way out. I found it without too much sacrifice but now I'm tired. It is funny how the very thing you detested during your youth is the one thing you covet the most as you mature. For me it is solitude, open land void of anything man made, pristine streams and moss-covered rocks. Alas, it is not to be had -right now anyway. But I can dream, envision and plan for the future I desire, without wasting my life wanting something else. It is all inside me. I just have to determine the best path (which is not necessarily the fastest path).

Behaviors I can change:

1. Laziness
2. Complacency
3. Emotional drains
4. Not getting enough rest
5. Not getting enough exercise
6. Piss-poor eating habits

This list could go on forever, but there's no use in taking on too much and failing.

This morning I got up and did thirty minutes of Yoga poses to get the old body moving. I have my own office in the house so I just lock the door, turn on the stereo and stretch to my heart's content. I belong to a gym and I'll go there for at least forty minutes today.

Bad habits I can't give up right now:

1. Caffeine
2. Foul language

Action Card for 8.21.2005: Knight of Pentacles - a reliable, methodical and persistent laborer, a patient thoughtful worker, a dependable person, practical.

The action card I pulled yesterday was appropriate as I cleaned up the house and did at least eight loads of laundry.

Action Card for 8.22.2005: The Star - Healing; increasing vitality, physically as well as mentally, good prospects; spiritual love, cosmic energy; being open to all life-giving forces; energy put in affairs will soon pay off.

I am excited about pulling this card!

Energy Card for 8.21.2005: King of Swords - authority, power and superiority; the spirit's sword pierces matters, clarifies affairs and cuts the knots

I did alot of thinking as I piddled around the house. I have all I need to become who I want to be. It is all inside. Could this be the meaning of this card?

Energy Card for 8.22.2005: Wands Seven - spiritual, inner batter, the individual is alone and opposed to the group; fighting for oneself; a proper retreat; holding ones own courage

Some time ago, I did some numerology and here is the results:

Name Number: 11 - Revelation
Birthpath Number: 22 - Actualization
Consonant Number: 1 - Persona Number
Vowel Number: 1 - Persona Number
Personal Year Number: 7

The number I'll stress today is my Personal Year Number, which I've followed. According to my number, 2005 was to be a very introspective year, a period of some pause and reflection between very active years in my life. This has held true.
Source: Simple Numerology by Damian Sharp

There was an article in the BBC online of the P*pe warning against DIY Religion (Do It Yourself). Isn't that what religion is - a personal relationship with God, or whatever you worship? My opinion is that he's more concerned about the fat purse of the church than the spiritual well being of humanity.

Well see what today has in store for me!

Sophia

Snakes

I saw a snake yesterday. I saved it from some people who feared it and wanted it dead. I picked it up and put it where those who meant it harm couldn't find it. It may be repulsive to some, but I don't believe in killing. If beings that weren't pretty to the eye had to die, then there wouldn't be many of us left, now would there?

I find my mind drifting - alot of what if's and preoccupation with past events and people who for one reason or another are no longer a part of my life. It is a weight - useless thought that provides no insight or takes me on a richer path. I need to be concerned with the here and now, not preoccupied with the past or focused on the future. Just present.

I was a bit upset this morning as every week I'm forced to attend church, even though I'm not a member of this faith nor do I want to be. It is coming from pressure outside the family and I'm tired of it. I must think of a way to stop attending when I don't want to. This is a big challenge, but I'm up to it. It would be easier if I didn't have to consider the children in all of this. They make taking a stand a bit harder.

The Action Card I drew yesterday was right on and other than the snake, I couldn't have had a more uneventful day. I had a few things to do, but I didn't fret about being late to an appointment or not getting it all done. It felt both odd and liberating.

Action Card for 8.20.2005: Swords Ten - Birth (metaphorically) rehabilitation or a positive blank moment in life; the previous life, obsession, plan or structure is completely over.

Action Card for 8.21.2005: Knight of Pentacles - a reliable, methodical and persistent laborer, a patient thoughtful worker, a dependable person, practical.

Energy Card for 8.20.2005: The World - no immediate trouble, getting what one deserves, blessing, progress, a new cylcle starts in daily life. There are a few more materialistic meanings to this card but since I'm not a materialist soul, I don't apply them to my readings.

Energy Card for 8.21.2005: King of Swords - authority, power and superiority; the spirit's sword pierces matters, clarifies affairs and cuts the knots

Additional Card for 8.21.2005: Wands Nine - endo of a battle or a pause, protective forces are in place, lessons of life have been learned; being alert for hidden enemies is essential.

I have to admit, I was skeptical of the cards when I purchased my first deck, out of curiosity. I read up on the ancient roots of Tarot and how the practice is entwined in many ancient cultures.

It is really an eye opener for me as a daily path I can take - not a foretelling of my future. It is one tool I can use to make my life more fulfilling and leave less to chance.

Sophia

Sitting back to observe . . .

First for Frankie - I found your blog from another blog I frequent and I must say despite your situation you are so very strong. Your son is lucky to have a mother like you.

Yesterday I had to spend some time with friends at a final gathering before school starts. Most of my friends are an extension of my childrens' friends. I forgot what ever happened to my friends or if they were really my friends at all. We could have been people who found themselves together in the same space or a similiar situation and just tried to make the best it.

Anyhow, instead of being my usual self (which is not really myself, just what people expect from me), I sat back to watch and listened. I've never been a "chatty patty" but I was quiet to the point it was noticed. I had several people ask me if I was feeling okay or if I needed a cocktail. Yes I was feeling well and no I didn't have a cocktail either. So I took the advice of the Action Card and just floated along in balance with the day. I avoided a hangover to boot!

I saw that for the most part, I have good friends and a strong network around me. I did take a good hard look at some of them earlier this year and weeded out the manipulators, liars and cheat among them. Thank goodness I have a strong intuition.

Action Card for 8.19.2005: Temperance – balance between inward reflection and outward activity; radiates confidence, contentment and peace; adaptation and atonement; arrival of a comrade, a friend, or mate; finds harmony with oneself and with the earth.

Action Card for 8.20.2005: Swords Ten - Birth (metaphorically) rehabilitation or a positive blank moment in life; the previous life, obsession, plan or structure is completely over.

I also became aware of how others see me. The presence I have, the energy I possess and my physical and mental appearance. I hate to say this but, beatiful people have it easier. It is harsh and unfair, but true because I've been on both sides. In the future I'll be talking less and listening more. I read so much and religion and history are two of my favorite topics. Armed with this information (history really does repeat itself), I can make myself better, more kind and generous.

Energy Card for 8.19.2005: Queen of Swords – great female sorrow, grieving, hardship and loneliness, misfortunes and sufferings are borne with dignity. Cerridwen Iris Shea added that the Queen os Swords is a woman who learns from her mistakes. Thanks!

Energy Card for 8.20.2005: The World - no immediate trouble, getting what one deserves, blessing, progress, a new cylcle starts in daily life. There are a few more materialistic meanings to this card but since I'm not a materialist soul, I don't apply them to my readings.

I feel better physically as I did some yoga and splashed around with the kids yesterday in the community pool. It wasn't Tao, but it was about as pathless as one can get in society. I fasted and today my stomach pains are gone. I really need to take more responsibility for what I eat. I'm not twenty anymore!

Today, there will be no yoga as back-to-school shopping and other activities will take most of my day. Thanks for stopping by.

Sophia

Two Card Pull

Yes, I dabble in Tarot but just on a personal level. See Kemmyrk link on the side.

8.19.2005

Action Card: Temperance – balance between inward reflection and outward activity; radiates confidence, contentment and peace; adaptation and atonement; arrival of a comrade, a friend, or mate; finds harmony with oneself and with the earth.

Energy Card: Queen of Swords – great female sorrow, grieving, hardship and loneliness, misfortunes and sufferings are borne with dignity.

I'll sum it all up tomorrow.

Sophia

Day 1 - A New Beginning

Today I start getting to know myself, but it's not like I'm a complete stranger. I vaguely recognize Sophia in those tired baggy eyes that stare back at me in the mirror. There is a hint of the long flowing locks in that tightly bound ponytail and there is the same svelte figure under the 30 extra pounds and gray sweatpants ( no joke).

Mentally, I want to believe I'm strong and I've developed a very tough exterior so to those around me I'm very secure. But inside I know my rope of courage that keeps me from falling apart has unraveled to the point where I know I'm vulnerable. One tragedy and I would fall.

I fell once, in 1994 and it took me six months to climb back up. Then I was shocked that someone of my mental toughness (bitchiness if you must call it that) could spiral so deep into . . . I don't want to say depression because I don't believe that's what it was. It was more of denial, fear and feelings of being overwhelmed. In a twenty-four hour period I found out I a was pregnant with my third child (elation), was involved in a horrible automobile accident (horror), and my Father-In-Law died of lung cancer (grief). I didn't get hurt in the accident (thank goodness for seatbelts) but it caused $10,000 damage to my new Ford Explorer and the young girl who drove the other car was taken off in an ambulance. I'm glad she was okay but to this day, I fear younger drivers as I know the damage they can cause by just one stupid decision.

It could have been the extremes of the different emotions in that period that caused the rope to break. Whatever the reason, I don't want it to happen again.

I believe the repairs on my emotional / spiritual self are the easiest to explain but will be the most difficult to fix. I won't go into the details here except for to say I'm confused about religion. I say religion for ease of words, but I suppose it could be called individual spiritual guidance. I do believe in The Creator but I'm scattered after that.

Today I'll purge my body of toxins by fasting and drinking lots of water, do a half-hour of Yoga and meditate.

Sophia

Who Am I?

I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself admist work, children's school, housework, children's after school activities and the laundry. There's a husband in there somewhere but I we keep missing each other in all the chaos. Hell, there are bits and pieces of me lying all over the county.

I let this happen, but it was a gradual chipping away rather than a freefall. When did it happen? I believe it was the first time I said yes. To what . . . well there are quite a few instances where if I'd have said NO I honestly believe my life would have been different. I'll leave it at that.

It is created from years of inner torment, from growing up poor, from teachers never thinking I'd amount to anything because of who I was, the photographs of beautiful people on the magazines by the supermarket checkout, it comes from years of saying yes and spreading myself too thin. I never wanted to hurt someone's feelings and I've ended up hurting my own. You can bet your sweet ass my daughters won't be raised to be so nice.

My vision of Sophia:

1. Someone who is kind
2. Someone who helps others and asks nothing in return
3. Someone who is at peace with the world
4. Someone who is not obsessed with personal beauty but takes time to stay healthy and look decent.

This blog was created for one purpose - To find out who I really am and to be the best Sophia Sinclair I can be. It will be a personal journey to reconnect - physicially, mentally, emotionally - with someone I've lost along life's path - MYSELF.

Is my name really Sophia Sinclair? Heavens no . . . but the journey is real. Come along.

Sophia